Desperation, or that time I almost worked at a gas station

As a university student, I’m constantly told that finding a job is flat fucking impossible, that even McDonald’s requires a BA, and that I’ll never achieve any level of success unless I release a sex-tape featuring something weird, like people in mascot costumes or Angelina Jolie.

But we all know what that would look like.

Just call Brazzers, because my body is READY.

Yeah, I doubt anyone would be fighting to buy that shit.

Anyways, like every university student (and I’m sure no one will argue with me) I was freaking the FUCK OUT as classes ended this spring. I didn’t know where I’d be working, how I’d get some decent life skills on my resume, or basically how I’d be able to avoid becoming a nanny for rest of my life.

I also wanted some mothafuckin’ DOUGH.

Awww yeah. Just keep doing it niiiiice and slow. That’s the stuff.

By mid-April, I was panicking so hard it was like someone had told me I had to go into the Witness Protection Program to escape a murderer who liked to make his victims watch every season of ‘Big Bang Theory’ before killing them.

Me.

It was not a pretty picture.

Then finally, on a warm spring afternoon, I got a phone call- a single glorious phone call.

It was from a Marketing & PR Agency and they wanted to interview me for a summer student position!

WHAT A FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY!

My insides got all warm and shit. I must have looked like this:

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

I went in for the interview. All seemed well. They were going to send me out to different marketing events and I’d form useful connections that would advance me forward in my otherwise bleak career!

HOORAY!

So, the company invited me back for an orientation. They told me they’d send me to one of their events so that I could get a feel for what the job would be like, and I learn and observe, etc., etc.

I put on my fanciest blazer (aka my mom’s, cause I don’t own that shit) and strut into the office on my first day like I was Jay fuckin’ Z. 

Just me on a weekday.

They gave me a Google Map printout and told me it would take me to the event. I was all pumped up on adrenaline and first impressions and jumped right in my car, speeding towards my destination with all the horsepower my lil’ Ford could muster.

Imagine my surprise when the secret destination turned out to be a goddamn gas station.

Yeah, that’s right. They sent me to an Esso in the middle of buttfuck nowhere to sell car wax.

THAT was their big event. Selling car wax at a gas station. And that car wax company was their only client.

The guy I was working with set up a rickety plastic table and put what must’ve been two dozen boxes of the stupid frickin’ car wax on top, then proceeded to harass people as they pumped their gas by insisting that they NEEDED the car wax- their cars were simply worthless without it.

I was immediately like:

First of all, why would they send ME, someone who clearly knows NOTHING about car wax, to a country gas station where everyone is either a trucker or a farmer- those guys have a love affair with their automobiles for chrissake.

Did I mention that they paid based SOLELY on commission?

How the fuck would I sell enough car wax to supplement my sexy swaggin’ social life?*

*More accurate representation.

Either way, I knew that I wasn’t passionate enough about auto detailing to make any sort of dough.

 

So…I left the job- and thank God I did!

A couple weeks later, I got another phone call telling me I’d been offered an Editorial/Social Media Internship at one of the country’s top online publications- Trend Hunter.

Basically, I get to spend my days finding cool stuff around the interwebz, writing about them, and marketing them via social media.

Not a bad gig.

 

I love it so far, but if I hadn’t left my other job when I did, I might’ve been roped into an inescapable contract and I wouldn’t have been able to work at Trend Hunter at all.

So, to all you uni students or recent graduates out there who are scared that you’ll never find a job that you enjoy or, you know, just general employment, know this: there is hope.

As much as profs, parents, and satanic statisticians like to freak us out, there are still jobs out there. You don’t have to work the lamest, most back-breaking, soul-crushing job just because you think there isn’t anything else out there- that’s being defeatist, and mama don’t like no negative nancies! 

So here are my final words to you:

Amen.

If you want to check out Trend Hunter, you can do so here.

My portfolio, filled with fun lil’ articles about awesome new stuff can be found here.

Advertisements

And the Oscar goes to…Anne Hathaway’s Nipples?

So… last night was weird.

And no, I’m not apologizing for a mistaken, drunken, sexual encounter that’s forcing us to re-evaluate our relationship as platonic friends, leaving us like:

No, internet. As much as I like you as a friend, it would never work. For you are not a sentient being.

No, the Academy Awards were last night.

…And they were weird.

More specifically, I found four weird things both during and after the the Oscars. Weirder things than sexing up a non-sentient being. Or an octogenarian.

Gross.

So here we go.

My list of the four weirdest things that happened last night during the Oscars.

1. Need I say it? They were right there in front of our eyes, piercing into our very souls with their razor-sharp points for 2 and half hours.

Anne Hathaway’s nipples.

Look at them:

Anne Hathaway blog photo 1

 

LOOK AT THEM:

Anne Hathaway Oscar Boobs

That is some serious Kim Possible triangle-boob going on .

IS THE RESEMBLANCE NOT UNCANNY??

IS THE RESEMBLANCE NOT UNCANNY??

Don’t get me wrong. I think Anne Hathaway is a beautiful woman with a somewhat melodramatic personality and a big heart. However, I don’t understand why she decided to shove a couple of toothpicks into her dress before Hollywood’s biggest night.

Seriously. You could carve an ice sculpture with those things.

YAY! Thanks, boobs!

 

My first reaction was to wonder whether they shot lasers or something. Because to me, that’s really the only reason to walk the red carpet with what look like inverted pizza slices shoved down the front of your dress. Complete with pepperoni.

It would’ve been a lot cooler if Anne (or “Annie,” as her friends call her) had done something like this:

Oh, no! Indiana Anne!

Oh, no! Indiana Anne!

Look at that photo and go: “Pew! Pew!” and tell me you don’t enjoy it.

Congratulations on winning Best Supporting Actress, Ms. Hathaway!

But next time, consider wearing a bra?

2) The second weird thing I’ve found regarding ze Oscahs has to do with the backlash Seth MacFarlane has been receiving from the internets. Especially regarding the “We Saw Your Boobs” song.

I get it. The song was immature and in bad taste. BUT, it was in the context of a joke Seth was making about his being the worst Oscar host ever. He literally asked William Shatner From the Future: “What do I do wrong tonight? Why am I the worst Oscar host in history?” W.S.F.T.F. then shows him a video performance of the criminally immature, “We Saw Your Boobs.”

He was literally performing the song with the knowledge that it was the worst thing ever to happen on the Oscar stage. 

If you watch Family Guy, you know that MacFar-Far has a very self-deprecating sense of humour, so this song should not have come as a surprise. And you know, some good has come of the song. Namely, pointing out that we haven’t seen Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs at all! That’s my girl! (I really like her, if you didn’t get that because you’re illiterate or immune to italics or something.)

Three cheers for feminism!

I totally understand that Seth MacFairyFeet’s humour isn’t for everyone. I grew up in a house where 2/5 people absolutely hated Family Guy, because they believed it to consist of “disgusting” and “stupid” humour.

But whether you love the show or not, no one should have been taken aback by the offensive jokes. I mean, c’mon. This is the guy who made a song about Prom Dumpster Babies.

Prom fucking dumpster babies.

They even swing their umbilical cords like canes. Like fetal Gene Kellys. 

So was it any surprise that he made sexist, bulimia, and domestic abuse jokes throughout the course of the show?

No. Not it was not. 

People have every right to feel uncomfortable about the jokes- that’s the point.

But what I find weird is that everyone’s acting all surprised and shit like: “OHHHHHHH NOOOOOO. HE WENT THERE!”

Raven was especially shocked.

But Hollywood, you knew what you were getting yourself into.

That’s just Seth!

And dayuuuuum, is he ever fine.

3. It seems everyone has also noticed this weirdness. What was up with all the long-haired, white-blonde men winning awards? Does it have to do with some kind of cult?

(Sorry for that, it sounded like a fucking awful beginning to a stand-up routine).

All I kept thinking was: THESE DUDES LOOK LIKE DAENERYS FROM GAME OF THRONES. 

DAT SHIT IS TROO.

Exhibits A through Weirdly Attractive.

Now compare:

AGAIN, IS THE RESEMBLANCE NOT UNCANNY??

I have a feeling that these men were also taking what was theirs with fire and blood.

(If you didn’t understand that joke because you don’t watch GOT, then YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME).

I also have a feeling that one question still remains unanswered for these men:

“I have my oscar, but…”

 

4. This part of the night really shocked me. And that would be Tarantino’s douchiest Oscar speech ever.

“I actually think that like…. if people are knowing my movies 30 or 50 years from now it’s gonna be because of the characters that I created, and I really only got one chance to get it right. I have to cast the right people to make those characters come alive and hope they live a long time… and boy, this time did I do it.”

King of the Sewer Douches

Also that he was coked out of his mind.

He did give a little extra credit to the cast of Django, but really, he only showed a billion people watching worldwide that he’s really into himself.

Once again, I would like to state that I’m a HUGE Tarantino fan. I love his films, and I do think he’s a genius and one of the most (if not THE most) innovative filmmaker of our time.

I JUST DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ARE MEAN, OKAY?

HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you get to squash everyone’s delicate feelings with your Range Rover-sized douchebaggery.

Daniel Day-Lewis, one of the biggest names in Hollywood, was much more gracious in accepting his award. So was Anne of the Arching Areolas.

C’mon, Tarantino, I love your movies. Don’t ruin this for me.

Goddammit.

 

So there you have it. Four opinions regarding the Oscars that you probably disagree with. I expect many an equally-opinionated comment/ fiery e-mail.

Actually, I’m down for both! 😀 But let’s keep swearing to a maximum, shall we?

The Oscars, for all their faults last night, were still PRETTY good. Better than the Anne Hathaway/James Franco fiasco of a couple years ago.

I could EAT the awkwardness.

 

All I’m gonna say is…

TINA AND AMY FOR ACADEMY AWARDS 2014!

You want a show that will appeal to everyone? Pick those hilarious ladies and EVERYONE WILL LOVE IT. There would be no sexism, the jabs at the actors would be tasteful, and goddammit, wouldn’t I love to go to an after-party hosted by the two of them.

And you know what else?

DAMN STRAIGHT.