Unless you’re a Jehovah’s Witness, (which I completely respect, but I’m really sad that you don’t get birthdays because they’re the best and everyone treats you like a supreme War Lord), you know that Valentine’s Day is around the corner.
And by around the corner, I mean in about T-3 hours from the time I’m writing this.
But you know what?
Because Valentine’s Day is the best day of the year.
NOW DON’T CLICK AWAY. I SEE YOU, YOU BITTER LITTLE BASTARD.
“She doesn’t know anything, I’m single, Valentine’s Day is 24 hours of reminders of my sexual inactivityyyyyyy!”
FUN FACT: I’M SINGLE, TOO.
So listen up, my pets, as I explain to you why February 14th is the fuckin’ bomb.
Now, all you dopes in relationships don’t get to say that this is the best day of the year. Because you have other days where you can be all lovey-dovey, like anniversaries of the first time you farted in front of each other or something. I dunno what you people do.
And on Valentine’s Day, you know exactly what to expect:
Or, if you don’t live in a Nicholas Sparks movie, this:
Couples: You might think that you have an awesome day. You might think that for the two of you, in your hazy love nest of sexual healing, it don’t get much better than February Fuckin’ Fourteenth.
You, my fair Kims and Kanyes, are flat fucking wrong.
Us single people have got it SO much better.
For instance, Valentine’s Day is the one day a year where I can buy five pounds of chocolate from the Shopper’s Drugmart without the cashier asking me: “Do you want Tampax with that?”
Fuck you, Judgmental Cashier Lady, I’m not “riding the crimson wave”, I’m just SAD AND LONELY.
But it’s okay to be sad and lonely on Valentine’s Day. THAT’S THE POINT.
So no one asks you why you’re buying enough chocolate and candy to stock a bomb shelter for six months. They just give you a knowing look that says:
“Honey, I getchu. Do what you need to do.”
And they leave you in peace.
But wait- it gets better!
Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year on which a single person, such as myself and probably 90% of people reading this blog, can march into a restaurant at 11am and demand alcohol.
The last time I tried to do this was on a nameless day in January, and the waitress responded with a: “Starting early, are we?” And a smirk. A goddamn smirk. Grins I can abide, even laughter I can tolerate, but a fucking smirk? A smirk means she’s laughing at you ON THE INSIDE.
YOU ARE NOT EVEN WORTH LAUGHING AT OUT LOUD.
But on Valentine’s Day, no one smirks at you, nononono.
They bring you alcohol. They smile at you as if to say: “You poor lonely soul, drinking alone on Valentine’s Day.” They comfort you. They might even tell you the drink’s on the house.
But in all seriousness, Valentine’s Day rules.
I can get day-drunk simply because I don’t have a boyfriend. On any other day, people would call you a whiny bitch. Or an alcoholic. But on V-Day, it’s just doing what you’re s’posed ta.
A lot of my single friends will also treat themselves to stuff a boyfriend/girlfriend would never ever EVER buy them.
Every Valentine’s Day, at least one of my single friends will come up to me and say: “I just felt so bad about being alone today, so I went shopping and bought this $400 outfit from Mendocino, and then I had to go to Victoria’s Secret, because what if I do get a boyfriend, I mean, I don’t want him to see me in granny panties, you know? ”
First of all, I understand about the granny panties- that shit could be embarrassing. And saggy.
But the main point is, you think your boyfriend (slash girlfriend) would spent four hundred dollars on an outfit for you, just because it’s a Hallmark Holiday??
AGAIN: REAL LIFE DOES NOT EQUAL A NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIE.
No. No he would not. You are a much better boyfriend (or girlfriend) to yourself than anyone ever could be.
And Valentine’s Day gives you the perfect excuse to pamper yourself like the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend would!
If this is news to you, then get your head of your ass, and realize that real people are not as thoughtful as fictional characters.
But you know who is? You are. To yourself.
So PAMPER YOURSELF. BECAUSE YOU CAN.
And bitch. Bitch up a storm.
Because V-Day, once again, is the ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR that allows for this.
You and your friends can bitch about being single for hours. Literally. And no one will judge you. Because it’s sad to be alone on Valentine’s Day.
And all your friends can sit in a lil’ old circle like in kindergarten and talk about how one day you’ll get married in a mothafuckin’ castle, and you’ll leave on a mothafuckin’ horse, and it’ll be with the Old Spice Guy, because he’s the best mothafucka around, and you’ll drink mimosas and fondle each other in the Caribbean.
And no one will tell you otherwise. No one will say: “That’s completely stupid and dumb and you should go drown yourself in a pool of cat urine and you’re going to end up alone if you maintain such high expectations.”
They’ll say: “If that’s what you want, girl, you should go for it. Dream big, and it’ll happen. I know it will. And you know why? Because you’re a nice person.”
They’ll probably be drunk.
So if you’re feeling the Valentine’s Day Blues this year, stop it you stupid, horny jerk.
Because V-Day is the most wonderful time of the year!
I know that my Valentine’s Day will probably end up like this:
And I’m totally alright with that. Because it’s going to be a fucking awesome day where I can drink and wallow in self-pity and bitch about men with my friends.
I can also treat myself to a little cheese, even though I’m lactose intolerant 😉
Because that’s what Valentine’s Day is all about when you’re single.
Treating yourself. (Even if it causes stomach pains.)
Trust me, one day you’ll experience a Valentine’s Day filled to the brim with awkward sexual encounters and professions of everlasting love. But until then, some words of advice:
Don’t feel guilty about feeling lonely and shit on Valentine’s Day- embrace it.
Love it tenderly.
Love it to the sensual melody of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get it On.
Because at the end of the day, you won’t be lonely forever. So this is the one time in your life when you can be completely self-absorbed and not give a shit about other people (unless you want to give a shit, in which case, shit away, sir).
Now, for the male counterparts in the couplings out there, some words of advice from one Tenacious D:
For all us single people out there- HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY. Happy drunken bitching, cheese-eating, shopping-spreeing, exploitation-of-loneliness day to you all!