Full House Lied to Me

Alright, so I know most of you will probably be up-in-arms over this post going, “This is your first blog post, how could you say stuff like that?” or “She doesn’t even know how to use the internets yet!”

Well, to you haterz, I bid you adieu.

What I’m going to be talking about is how the men in our generation are failing, and how the girls refuse to compensate for all of this.

I mean that boys just don’t try anymore.

I watched “Full House,” I know that romantic shit happened in the past, like when DJ (or was it Deejay? Who the fuck cares.) gets a phone call from a boy who actually TOOK THE TIME to punch in her SEVEN DIGIT (pre-area code age) number and TALK TO HER VOICE THROUGH THE PHONE instead of SnapChatting her a picture of a dick.

And you know what’s sad? The idea of face-to-face or voice-to-voice contact in the early stages of a relationship has completely dissipated- and we didn’t even see it disappear! It’s completely normal to have entire flirty conversations over BBM and iPhone (or regular text messaging if you’re poor), and no one seems to notice that this is kind of an effed up situation.

Back in the day, boys actually had to “call” on you. They weren’t scared little boys with pubic-looking facial hair and video game-induced carpal tunnel syndrome- they were¬†gentlemen suitors.

I mean, look at this:


That shit is ROMANTIC. Look at Jimmy Stewart. Where have the Jimmy Stewarts and Cary Grants gone from our generation? Are they the twinkie boys from “One Direction”?

It hurts me to say this, but I think it must be so.

Boys, some advice: If you like a girl, tell her you like her. Don’t write about it in a diary, or try to tell her with your eyes or some other weird stuff-¬†use your words.

Girls: If the boy you’ve been seeing is too afraid to take things further, don’t waste your time. Tell him to either man up or get out.

Because at the end of the day, you’re some hot shit:

Okay, I realize I’ve been hard on the guys here. I understand that with the recent blurring between gender roles and such, boys and girls have more equal parts in a relationship.

But girls have also been conditioned to expect certain things of men. Namely, heartbreak and lessons in faking orgasms, but good things as well, like effort. And taking control of the relationship for a few minutes.

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t want it to end up as one of those columns that Sarah Jessica Parker wrote on that shit show where everyone talked about vibrators and drank cosmos. But I also think that this is a necessary point to bring up.

At the end of the day, love is supposed to be reciprocal. If you leave it all up to the girl in the relationship to take the next steps, do cute things that give you warm fuzzies and stroke your ego, you might end up alone.

Let’s bring this back, because I think we need it:


In the wise words of my favourite Hepburn, “Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get- only with what you are expecting to give. Which is everything.”