So… last night was weird.
And no, I’m not apologizing for a mistaken, drunken, sexual encounter that’s forcing us to re-evaluate our relationship as platonic friends, leaving us like:
No, internet. As much as I like you as a friend, it would never work. For you are not a sentient being.
No, the Academy Awards were last night.
…And they were weird.
More specifically, I found four weird things both during and after the the Oscars. Weirder things than sexing up a non-sentient being. Or an octogenarian.
So here we go.
My list of the four weirdest things that happened last night during the Oscars.
1. Need I say it? They were right there in front of our eyes, piercing into our very souls with their razor-sharp points for 2 and half hours.
Anne Hathaway’s nipples.
Look at them:
LOOK AT THEM:
That is some serious Kim Possible triangle-boob going on .
Don’t get me wrong. I think Anne Hathaway is a beautiful woman with a somewhat melodramatic personality and a big heart. However, I don’t understand why she decided to shove a couple of toothpicks into her dress before Hollywood’s biggest night.
Seriously. You could carve an ice sculpture with those things.
My first reaction was to wonder whether they shot lasers or something. Because to me, that’s really the only reason to walk the red carpet with what look like inverted pizza slices shoved down the front of your dress. Complete with pepperoni.
It would’ve been a lot cooler if Anne (or “Annie,” as her friends call her) had done something like this:
Look at that photo and go: “Pew! Pew!” and tell me you don’t enjoy it.
Congratulations on winning Best Supporting Actress, Ms. Hathaway!
But next time, consider wearing a bra?
2) The second weird thing I’ve found regarding ze Oscahs has to do with the backlash Seth MacFarlane has been receiving from the internets. Especially regarding the “We Saw Your Boobs” song.
I get it. The song was immature and in bad taste. BUT, it was in the context of a joke Seth was making about his being the worst Oscar host ever. He literally asked William Shatner From the Future: “What do I do wrong tonight? Why am I the worst Oscar host in history?” W.S.F.T.F. then shows him a video performance of the criminally immature, “We Saw Your Boobs.”
He was literally performing the song with the knowledge that it was the worst thing ever to happen on the Oscar stage.
If you watch Family Guy, you know that MacFar-Far has a very self-deprecating sense of humour, so this song should not have come as a surprise. And you know, some good has come of the song. Namely, pointing out that we haven’t seen Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs at all! That’s my girl! (I really like her, if you didn’t get that because you’re illiterate or immune to italics or something.)
I totally understand that Seth MacFairyFeet’s humour isn’t for everyone. I grew up in a house where 2/5 people absolutely hated Family Guy, because they believed it to consist of “disgusting” and “stupid” humour.
But whether you love the show or not, no one should have been taken aback by the offensive jokes. I mean, c’mon. This is the guy who made a song about Prom Dumpster Babies.
Prom fucking dumpster babies.
They even swing their umbilical cords like canes. Like fetal Gene Kellys.
So was it any surprise that he made sexist, bulimia, and domestic abuse jokes throughout the course of the show?
No. Not it was not.
People have every right to feel uncomfortable about the jokes- that’s the point.
But what I find weird is that everyone’s acting all surprised and shit like: “OHHHHHHH NOOOOOO. HE WENT THERE!”
But Hollywood, you knew what you were getting yourself into.
That’s just Seth!
3. It seems everyone has also noticed this weirdness. What was up with all the long-haired, white-blonde men winning awards? Does it have to do with some kind of cult?
(Sorry for that, it sounded like a fucking awful beginning to a stand-up routine).
All I kept thinking was: THESE DUDES LOOK LIKE DAENERYS FROM GAME OF THRONES.
DAT SHIT IS TROO.
AGAIN, IS THE RESEMBLANCE NOT UNCANNY??
I have a feeling that these men were also taking what was theirs with fire and blood.
(If you didn’t understand that joke because you don’t watch GOT, then YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME).
I also have a feeling that one question still remains unanswered for these men:
4. This part of the night really shocked me. And that would be Tarantino’s douchiest Oscar speech ever.
“I actually think that like…. if people are knowing my movies 30 or 50 years from now it’s gonna be because of the characters that I created, and I really only got one chance to get it right. I have to cast the right people to make those characters come alive and hope they live a long time… and boy, this time did I do it.”
–King of the Sewer Douches
He did give a little extra credit to the cast of Django, but really, he only showed a billion people watching worldwide that he’s really into himself.
Once again, I would like to state that I’m a HUGE Tarantino fan. I love his films, and I do think he’s a genius and one of the most (if not THE most) innovative filmmaker of our time.
HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean you get to squash everyone’s delicate feelings with your Range Rover-sized douchebaggery.
Daniel Day-Lewis, one of the biggest names in Hollywood, was much more gracious in accepting his award. So was Anne of the Arching Areolas.
C’mon, Tarantino, I love your movies. Don’t ruin this for me.
So there you have it. Four opinions regarding the Oscars that you probably disagree with. I expect many an equally-opinionated comment/ fiery e-mail.
Actually, I’m down for both! 😀 But let’s keep swearing to a maximum, shall we?
The Oscars, for all their faults last night, were still PRETTY good. Better than the Anne Hathaway/James Franco fiasco of a couple years ago.
All I’m gonna say is…
TINA AND AMY FOR ACADEMY AWARDS 2014!
You want a show that will appeal to everyone? Pick those hilarious ladies and EVERYONE WILL LOVE IT. There would be no sexism, the jabs at the actors would be tasteful, and goddammit, wouldn’t I love to go to an after-party hosted by the two of them.
And you know what else?