4 Reasons Child Stars Should be Made Illegal

It’s obvious that a new crop of  deranged child stars is at its most batshit insane right now, what with Justin Bieber acting like a dick, Amanda Bynes’s sad but hilarious Twitter feuds, and the never-ending saga of Lindsay Lohan and her faithful crack pipe. So why do parents (or legal guardians if they’re, you know, orphans) keep schlepping their kids to and from auditions, trying to get them inducted into the cult that is Disney?

Come play with us, Danny. Forever and ever.

I can’t even begin to delve into the reasons why parents are so obsessed with cementing their kid into an industry where they’ll probably be offered drugs by the age of 10, but I do have a few reasons (read: 4) why child stars should be made illegal.

Girl, I’ll take you on a journey.

1) Child stars often morph into total jerks.

It’s true. No matter what you Beliebers want to belieb, your beloved Bieber is a huge rhymes-with-punt.

Seriously, if I could sucker punch this bitch…

As a Canadian, I used to be super proud of his accomplishments. I would impress my American pals with the fun trivia that the mighty Biebs grew up in a town a mere 2.5 hours away from mine.

I know, I know, calm the fuck down. The Biebs and I are just mad tight, bro.

I forgave him for his gopher-meets-Ellen-Degeneres haircut. I forgave him for “Baby.” I forgave him for “Never Say Never.” I forgave him for literally all of his shitty music, simply because he’s a beaver-head. (In both senses of the word).

Being a child star, however, has completely warped his sense of right and wrong, good and evil, normal and lesbian-esque hair. And he’s not the only one. People constantly cater to him and fluff his ego, turning him into a Barbara Streisand-level diva.

Something about that perm destroys her believability.

I know that if he’d become famous when he was 25, 30, 35, etc. he might have turned out the same way. But he’s still a jerk and should therefore be forced to live on a deserted island with a 1997-era Jeff Goldblum listening to this for 10 years:

A harsh but just punishment.

2) Child stars make everyone else feel like pedophiles.

Teenaged celebrities are sexualized. There’s nothing else to it. It’s like someone read Lolita and said, “Oh man, wouldn’t it be great if we made this a real thing?”

Maybe for fans of statutory rape.

Example: Britney Spears was 16 when she did this Pepsi commercial:

I’m not saying that Britney shouldn’t have been famous, but her entire brand was focused on making money off of her jailbait status. If you haven’t seen her “Joy of Pepsi” commercial, you might have missed that they put  middle-aged politician, Bob Dole, in at the end. He’s watching the commercial with his dog. The dog, in a fit of heated arousal due to Brit’s fierce moves, starts to bark. The Dole-ightful Bob looks over and says, smirking: “Easy, boy.”

They were literally winking at the fact that Britney Spears was untouchable.

That’s pop music, yeah, fo sho, I get that, but it still doesn’t change the fact that they threw this kid to Viagara-popping sharks without a life jacket.


And don’t even think that mini celeb boys aren’t involved. I feel weird thinking that the twinks from One Direction are good looking and they’re my age. It just feels like cradle robbing. I will take this moment to declare that I will forever resist any cougar tendencies that may spring up in my depraved mind.


What are they popping? A cherry?

3. Watching a child star fall apart is like being a spectator at the Hunger Games.


All these photos come out like:


And everyone has a field day, reacting with INTENSE schadenfreude.

Yeah, it’s funny. It’s fucking hilarious — it just shouldn’t be. They pass out, get caught with prostitutes/drugs/Charlie Sheen and everyone’s like:


Meanwhile, all those washed up celebs are experiencing legal action and withdrawal symptoms.

Just because they’re famous doesn’t mean they don’t have withdrawal symptoms. 

Celebrities: They’re just like us!

These people are PEOPLE, even if they do look like a Sun Chip left out in the rain for some time (ahem, Lindsay Lohan). I’m definitely guilty of this, too. I follow Amanda Bynes’s downfall like it’s news of the rapture.

After each breakdown, child stars basically turn to the world, saying:

Unfortunately, as a society that gets bored pretty easily, we’re just like:

It truly is like the Hunger Games. We watch children battle it out in a global arena until only one is left standing. And that is Justin Timberlake.

He just watched Amanda Bynes’s twerking video.

4. We can make children using CGI now!

Why do we need real kids when we can computer animate them?

Look how realistic. Look at the tiny human:

It’s so authentic!

These CGI babies won’t develop jerkwad attitudes OR drug problems! (No promises on avoiding becoming a sexualized object. There are some fabulously strange people out there).

They might bite, though.

Child stars are sources of joy and laughter and whatnot, but what happens after they lose their cuteness and find out that the world doesn’t want them anymore?

A whole lot of horses***, that’s what happens.

All I can say is, thank God for Justin Timberlake.


Is my childhood showing?

It might be all the psychology classes I’m taking, or it could just be that there’s a tiny little elf-creature taking over my soul, but I feel like I’m regressing back into a state of child-like dependency.


I’ve been doing some things lately that only a five year-old who had just guzzled about a dozen sugar straws would do.


Also, I’ve started dancing like this:


Wait, that’s not necessarily child-like, you say?
Lots of people dance like chubby, post-ice-cream-binge kids?


Anyways, I’ve also started collecting stuffed animals. And this is really weird for me. Did those italics get through to you? REALLY WEIRD.

Because I was one of those kids who stuck up their nose at the idea of cuddling with a plush friend when sad, or having a tea party with Mr. Tinkles the Small-Bladdered Bunny. I just didn’t get the point. Why play with a stuffed animal that is clearly fake, when you could create things using your imagination that were 10x more fun!

So then I’d go outside and pretend to be a forensics specialist and make my friends give me blood samples so I could look at them under my microscope.

I was eight.

Did I mention that I wouldn’t let my friends touch their own blood samples (which I kept between two slides, all professional and shit), because I didn’t want to contaminate them?

I was all like:

It seriously took me about 10 years to realize that science is really hard and stupid. Thanks childhood fantasies. (Of the non-sexual nature. Not that I had the other kind, but you know, kids will be kids and stuff and I think I’ve gone too far.)



I just thought that playing with stuffed animals and Barbies was a sign of weakness. I pretty much wrote people off if they liked those things. I remember meeting one chick when I was about 10 at some family friend’s party and she started telling me all about her Beanie Baby collection. I just remember thinking:

“I can’t be friends with this bitch.”

I had just learned the B word.


I was also (and still kind of am, I won’t lie to you, internet mole people) deathly afraid of dolls. Any kind of doll, but Porcelain China Dolls were the fucking creepiest m****f*****s ever to exist. EVER.

Aaaaaaand thanks to my parents, I had two of them sitting on my dresser across from my bed, watching me sleep every night. And every night, I made my dad keep an eye on them until I fell asleep, so, you know, they wouldn’t shank me well I slept.

If you are not scared of this, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

Why didn’t I just get rid of them?


I actually had some pretty good logic, for an eight year old.

I didn’t want to make them mad. 

Tell me this doesn’t want to make you cry and urinate simultaneously.

My parents got pretty tired of this by the time I was 10 (…or 11), and my dad bit one of them on the head and then dropped her on the floor so that I could see how fake she was and not at all under the murderous rage of a demon spirit.

It didn’t help.


I was literally sobbing. SOBBING.

I truly believed that my dad would be killed for his flagrant disregard for the porcelain evilness of my dolls.

Me. Every night. Until puberty.

So you understand that my new interest in stuffed animals is a big step forward.

I don’t think they’re stupid and pointless anymore, or a sign of weakness. But dolls are still f******* scary and should not be sold anywhere because children should not be exposed to such horror.



The eyes. It’s all in the eyes.

Yeah. That’s right. What you just felt was your heart expanding with more love than even Beyonce and Jay-Z have for each other.

And that’s saying a lot.

The other thing I’ve been doing a lot of is watching children’s movies.

Like, a lot.

Every time I’m hungover, I reach for (/torrent) my copy of (/download of) Shrek or Shrek 2, or Scooby-Doo, or Scooby-Doo 2, or The Little Mermaid, or The Little Mermaid 2, and, well, you get the picture.

One of my friends came into my room while I was watching Beauty and the Beast, and caught me laughing hysterically at Gaston’s douchey antics.

He looked pretty disgusted and confused and immediately left, but I didn’t care, I was in a state of cartoon ecstasy.

What I looked like:

What was going on on-screen:

I think I may have over-reacted.
Or maybe I was just hungover.

Or maybe Gaston is just the funniest b**** this side of California. (I don’t know what that means, but you can figure it out yourself, you lazy piece of rotting diaper.)

I also recently watched Shrek, which I still maintain is one of the funniest movies ever made this side of California.

Oh, donkey, you noble rascally steed, you!

After I watched it for probably the 60th time, I found my school journal from 2nd grade. One of my entries went like this (and this is verbatim):

“On the weekend, I went to see Shrek. It was so funny. Donkey said: “That is a nice boulder” and “In the morning I’m making waffles,” and then he married a dragon. It was so funny. And Shrek burped a lot and said “Better out than in” and Fiona made a bird explode with her voice which was so funny. It was the best weekend ever because I saw Shrek.”

Any weekend is the best weekend when Shrek is involved.

I had to face the conclusion that I have not changed at all since I was seven years-old. It was a hard fact to face, but… Shrek. 

I’m pretty sure that this is my way of coping with the adult world into which I’ve been so unceremoniously thrown, like a poor 18 year-old heroin addict into prostitution.

I’ve got Peter Pan syndrome, man!

And I think most of us do, and it just manifests itself in different ways.

Some people get drunk off their asses every night and refuse to do work.

Others have panic attacks that lead to chronic chocolate-eating regarding their futures.

Me? I just act like a child.

And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

Until I have to get a job and figure my shit out and try to become a contributing member of society. But until then, I think holding onto my child-like excitement is a good thing. So go autoerotically asphyxiate yourself if you disagree.

Because children are so optimistic and imaginative- it’s a shame that most of us lose that as we get older.

As Pablo Picasso said:

Some of you might be like: “Kids are stupid and don’t know anything, why would I ever want to be like them?”

Because they get to live in any world they want to. Anything they create inside their heads is real to them. They aren’t confined by the physical limitations of our world. They can be a witch one day, a superhero the next. They can hide under the covers from the monster they know is lurking under their bed, or become convinced that their house is haunted. They can be popstars, explorers, and secret agents. They can be anything they want, and it’s all real to them.

It’s sad that adults lose this deep imagination, but I guess it’s a natural developmental progression. But I, for one, am going to make sure that I don’t lose hold of it completely.

Because what’s the point of growing up if you can’t dream?