I am NOT a psychopath… I don’t think.

There are two things that really piss me off/ raise my blood pressure/ generally make me want to punch a baby:

1) Bees, and

2) People who think they know what’s best for the entire world.

More specifically, people who think that horror movies and other genres that toy with blood spatter and the like are bad for everyone and should be condemned straight to Hell.

Like this person on Yahoo! Answers:

[Horror films] have immediate and long term effects.
It can be a cause of heart attack or cardiac arrest.
It is a major source of stress & can precipitate the above conditions. I have seen people running out of theater in acute panic and some even pee out. 
Long term effects are in PREGNANT LADIES THE FETUS IS AFFECTED, AS THE FIRST SENSE TO DEVELOP IS THE HEARING. ABORTION CAN TOO TAKE PLACE.

Note: I didn’t add those CAPS Locked- letters in a failed attempt to editorialized. Those are au naturel.

Also, I’d like to point out that underneath the post, it says:

Source: I am a doctor.

And now I’m scared for the entire world. Thanks for the added stress, asshole.

I’m not denying that horror movies cause a visceral reaction in people- that’s the goal. They want you to get all pumped up on adrenaline and lose control of your bladder. If you have arteriosclerosis or sleep apnea, then by all means, go and watch the latest Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy in the theatre next door. I really don’t give a pig’s ass. 

Yeah, have fun.

BUT DON’T RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US. 

I’m taking an entire class on horror movies right now, (because I want to be even more unemployable than I already am), so they’re quite dear to me.

What can I say? I love the gory and grotesque.

Aw yeah, that’s the stuff

So excusez-moi if I get a little offended when people literally come up to me as I’m waiting in line to see a new horror movie and say: “That will turn you into a psychopath, that will!”

What?

Watching murderers running around in a FICTIONAL diegetic world wearing some gimmicky costume as they mutilate sexually deviant teenagers will TURN ME INTO ONE OF THEM?

Thank god for exorcisms, right?

I’M SAVED

Obviously, by watching horror movies, I’m going to start planning my next murder. (Watch out, Taylor Swift).

Because horror movies can’t just be created for the purpose of keeping your fight-or-flight response all nice and fine-tuned, can they?

And horror movies, believe it or not, have contribute a lot to the film industry over the years. Don’t scoff at me, I can feel your smirks through the computer screen and I haven’t even published this post yet, you Judge Judies.

Check it out- 4 ways that horror movies have helped shape the WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.

(Melodramatic, but… actually, I don’t have an excuse this time. Maybe I just need to evaluate some aspects of my personality.)

1) Strong female characters. 

Yeah, they always kill the slutty chicks, but most slasher movies end with a female survivor. And also, if you’re going to go out into the woods and get all naked amidst the moss and soil and shit, what do expect?? If it wasn’t an escaped mental patient, it probably would’ve been a bear or something.

The women in horror movies usually end up being the most resourceful, even if they often go upstairs or into the basement where there’s no chance of escape…

For instance, CARRIE!

She kills all her tormentors using some sweet telekinetic powers because they dumped pigs’ blood on her, and also threw tampons at her, which I would imagine is quite a traumatic experience.

So, what does she do?

She sets the mothafuckin’ school on fire.

REVENGE.

And Carrie’s only one in a chain of powerful-ass women who don’t give two shits about stabbing a broke-ass mofo. There’s Wendy from The Shining, Laurie from Halloween, and Sally from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to name a few.

Also, every girl ever from a rape-revenge film, like I Spit On Your Grave.

Ew… I can see his ass.

2) They gave rise to a ton of movies that you LOVE to hate.Like Scary MovieScary Movie 2Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4, etc. 

Don’t lie, you know you love watching these when your one friend who hates scary movies says that this is all they can handle.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to live in a world in which Carmen Electra isn’t videotaped getting stabbed right in the boob implant.

EL OH EL

3) They give you an alternative to Twilight

This:

Versus this shitgasm:

He doesn’t even deserve a gif.

(I had to come up with the word “shitgasm,” because no pre-existing word can properly express how much his sparkling skin grosses me out. I’d rather make out with Nosferatu.) 

*shiver* Oh, baby

4)You often get to watch them with people who just can’t handle it. 

If you’re a horror movie buff, you’ve probably been there. You’re sitting with a group of people, watching a quintessential horror movie that you’ve seen about 18 times, but one of your friends is pretty new to the game. They’re sitting there, a pillow clutched desperately to their chest, compulsively eating because they don’t know how else to cope.

Every time the killer/ghost/stalker/gremlin/dinosaur/demon/werewolf appears on screen, they freak out, like:

And you can tell that they’re trying not to cry, but you don’t draw attention to it, because you want to see if they’ll completely break down by the end of the movie. You know what’s going to happen next, so right before anything scary occurs, you look over at them like:

And they never catch on. It’s like you’re watching someone who’s watching a car accident happening right in front of their eyes, and you’re both so enthralled that you simply can’t look away.

IT MAKES THE MOVIE SO MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING.

Obviously horror movies are here to stay, and everyone who’s against them needs to just accept it.

So to you, dear lady who lectured me about the dangers of scary movies, I would like to bid you a fond fuck off.

Because honestly, there are a lot of things in this world that scare me much more than a horror movie.

Like this:

If I turn into a raging psychopath, you can all blame this robot lady and her strange nose-cleaning teapot.

STOOOOOOOOOOP.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I am NOT a psychopath… I don’t think.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s