I’m not here to make you sad.
I’m here to depress the shit out of you.
If you’re single, that is.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
I’m alerting you to the signs. Eight signs, to be exact. Eight signs that you might be perma-single. I’m not doing this to stab a knife in your chest and twist it until you cry. I’m here to give you some tough lovin’.
And if you feel like this:
THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ZONE.
But seriously, these signs are all based on my personal experience, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. If any of these 8 characteristics resonates with you, then just work on maybe stopping that behaviour in favour of a more sexually attractive one.
Unless you’re confident in it, in which case:
So, let’s begin this descent into misery, shall we?
1) You dance like you’re having an epileptic fit.
While I totally support your feeling the music and doin’ yo thang, this does not generally attract the opposite sex.
I know this.
I have lived it.
2) You watched Pride & Prejudice as a pre-puscent kid, and now nothing will compare to Mr. Darcy.
Not the fuckin’ Keira Knightly version. The BBC miniseries featuring GOD OF THE CINEMA, Colin Firth.
NO ONE CAN EVER COMPARE NOW.
THANKS COLIN FIRTH.
THANKS FOR RUINING EVERYTHING.
Or, you know, if you’re a guy…
I don’t know, but I assume something to do with Scarlett Johansson.
3) You’re a Twi-hard.
This is the one thing I have no experience in. I read the books. I saw the movies.
I don’t see the appeal.
C’mon girls, we all know that Brad Pitt from Interview with the Vampire is a much more attractive vampire.
And this is why I’m single.
4) You run around kissing people like you’re a biological terrorist intent on spreading mono around the world.
Specifically, when you’re drunk.
This does not promote healthy relationships. This leads to spinsterhood, ladies.
And boys, don’t do this either.
Especially if you look like this:
5) You find a lot of uncanny resemblances between yourself and Bridget Jones.
And unfortunately this:
Or, if you’re a guy, you relate oddly well to Seth and Evan from Superbad.
Don’t fret, little ones. Change is always possible.
I, too, have felt like a Bridget. And sometimes like a Seth.
But these behaviours can be changed. If you just belieeeeeeeeeve.
And also try really hard.
6) You have Foodgasms. A lot.
Inside my stomach, that is.
If you believe that food > relationships, it follows that you=single.
7) You don’t like being touched.
Every time someone comes in for a hug, you’re like:
And God forbid they try and cuddle.
Otherwise, you go all 300 on their asses.
8) You’re drunk while you’re reading this.
…Or, in my case, while I’m writing this.
Because you are sexy, you beautiful m****f*****s, and just because you’re perma-single doesn’t mean that you’re de-valued.
It just means that you’re lonely.
And that’s okay.
And according to this random guy who posted this random picture on the interwebs, you shouldn’t fall in love till you’re good and ready:
So chill out, whatcha yellin’ for.
Lay back, it’s what being single’s for.
(not in a sexual way, but in a relaxation way)
Don’t worry about being single- because no one’s single forever.
Unless you’re this guy: